Deep Stuff.

So lately I have been feeling like everyone has been so philisophical in the Facebook statuses and everything. So I figured that instead of posting it on Facebook where there will be questions and sympathetic comments I would post it on here. This Christmas, well this whole year, I have been really thinking about my uncle. I'm not really sure why but he has been on my mind a lot. Mostly things like, what was he like? What would he be like if he were still alive? Would we have an awesome relationship? Everyone always says that he would have loved me and we would have gotten along great. I hope that is true. I wonder if I would have a few more cousins and another aunt. I think about how different Christmases would be. Having the uncle I never knew there. Another thing I really long for is to see the way my grandparents, my dad, and my uncle acted when he was in their lives. I know that all four of them changed so much when he passed away and I never got to know those people. I know that they are happy now, but I also know that they changed a lot. He was a big part of their lives. He was their first child, the big brother, and a friend. He has been on my mind for a very long time. I wonder what he was like constantly. I have so many questions for him, and for my family. But I also know that it is a painful subject for all of them. His birthday and the day he died are such sad days for all of them. I don't want to make them any more painful for any of them. I would really just like to know him, and who he used to be. I really think we would have gotten along and been great friends. I guess I will have to wait until Heaven to start that friendship. I hope he is wishing for the same thing and that we get along great. Until then, I guess I'm left wondering.

April Showers...

So it is April already. School is out in less than 3 weeks for me. It is crazy. I will be done with my first year in college in about 11 school days! Then I will be on my was to Houston! Abby-gale and I have gotten very close the past few months. I am so grateful for her. She truly is like my other half. We are twins. People say we look alike, and we have the same thoughts about like everything. We have the same thoughts sometimes too. It's weird but so much fun! I can't wait to see Houston and all that she has planned! I will miss her this summer but it will only be about 2 1/2 months until we will be together all the time! Roomies!! (: But her dropping me off at the airport is going to be so ridiculously hard! We have already said that there are going to be a lot of tears! Its gonna be hard, but Skype is the best invention ever!!

But this past month has been a whirlwind! Studying, and hanging with my amazing friends, classes, its a crazy life, but I love it! We are having so much fun doing everything we do. I may not have been very supportive of them before, but now that I am looking at it from the past...Abby and DJ's friendship is such a good thing. They are like brother and sister, she can confide in him, and him, her. It is hard thinking that they go to each other and not me, and them spending a lot of time together, but I have come to accept it. And really appreciate it. I am so glad that DJ has someone he can go to to talk about things he can't talk to me about, I still wish he could talk to me, but something is better than nothing. The three of us are like the best of friends. We do EVERYTHING together! So So So much fun! I love them both so much, and I am glad that DJ met her!

April has been an intense month. So much school work, signing up for next semester's classes, signing up for housing for next semester, and just having fun. It has been an insane ride. It is coming to an end and I can't wait for our next semester. It is going to be a great adventure. College is amazing, and so so so much better than high school. For anyone who thinks "high school is the best days" it isn't. Everything gets better, in college you aren't the band geek, the jock, the goth chick/guy, the creeper, the drifter, you become a whole new person. The person you want to be, the person you can love. It is so amazing. Have fun, and don't be afraid! Take the risks and break out!

2 Months Later...

So it has been almost 2 months since my first post. I'm just sitting in my room watching twilight and wandering aimlessly through the internet. Last week was Spring Break! It was fun, I went to see Remember Me with my mom and Abby, it was an amazing movie, with a twist at the end you wouldn't believe. For whatever reason it just moved me beyond words. I connected with it, and I'm not really sure how at all whatsoever. For my Birthday just had a small party and got my Kindle! Dj's Mimi made me a blanket with my 2 favorite colors and I love it! I also got The Princess and the Frog, it came out on my Birthday so it had to have been a sign. I needed it! So it turned out pretty darn good. (: Classes are going well, except for Philosophy...I don't much care for everyone's interpretation being right. That isn't how it works, and my teacher is pretty frustrating. Can't wait for summer to start, roadtrippin' it with Abby all the way back to Houston! It is going to be a blast.

The past 2 days have just been a lot of...I'm not really sure what. I've just been lonely, with everyone around me and not really being alone at all. Confused is probably a better word. I have these spells, and it is frustrating, why me? I know there are people who have a lot more problems and heartache, yet I'm the one who gets depressed and has awkward mood swings. I miss Dj, I see him everyday, and yet...I miss him like he isn't here. There is just something that is keeping me away from him. I just need him to hold me and kiss me and tell me that everything is okay, that nothing has changed, that he is still mine forever. That this is just one of my weird insecure moments and nothing will ever change. He is my always and my forever and I could never stand losing him again. But we have moved passed that and are at a place I never thought we would be. We are in a relationship that is just so us, its not like anyone else's. No one understands us, and they judge, I think that is a very hard thing. I don't like people telling me its like we aren't in a relationship and that it's normal. It's not. We are so different all of the things we have been through together, and the things that brought us back together after the most unthinkable things. I know it might not make sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to me. Isn't that all that matters? The two of us and what we feel is real. That is the important thing. So why do I let what people say get to me? There is no question in my mind that he is here for the long run, and so am I.

Well I think I have let out my frustrations enough for one night. I got out all of the things on my mind at the moment. I know there will be more soon and I know you will listen. I don't know who you is, I am sure no one reads this. But getting it off my chest and not just saved onto my computer helps. Its like therapy. So thank you.

First Blog

So this is my first blog. I started it so that i can follow Milo, Mary's...well I consider him mine too, our foster dog. He got a new home with a great family that loves him very much. I got to say good-bye to him before I went to Philosophy this morning. I'm so glad that I did. He is going to be so loved there, and he will never be forgotten here. I will have his picture in a frame that will be in my room soon. I'm going to miss his goofy personality and his cuddly, protective nature. He is a great dog. He will always be our Smiley Miley. (: